Listening

I think I'm getting a better sense of what it means to listen to God, to hear His voice. Lately all I do is make tons of individual decisions and overanalyze the possible outcomes. Choosing a new apartment, shopping for an entire new set of furniture, planning events like bridal showers or parts of weddings... It is easy to dwell on everything and get bogged down by "what if's" after the fact.

There is the fear that I'll make bad decisions - I am often terrified of my own inadequacy. But in doing so I am overestimating my own importance, and miss the fact that God is more than adequate. In my weakness, He is strong. And then I'm anxiously praying to God that He will part the clouds and in a thundering voice declare to me which apartment complex I should choose to live in, or at worst which TV model I should pick. (Hey, I want to be a good financial steward lol) Here I am, trying to pick the "right" answer off a list of multiple choice options. But it's all an exercise in learning to be content, and knowing that God is a powerful God who doesn't need me to pick a specific, particular choice for Him to work for my good.

In my grad school fellowship, there were two wonderful girls who always seemed to be speaking directly with God. This always cracks me up because they would announce to the group that God had given them a strong conviction and told them certain very specific things, and in my ridiculousness I would think in my head, "Ahhh!! I'm such a heathen, how come God is speaking so clearly to them but I can't hear His directions??" I felt like I was in one of those Peanuts cartoons where the adults would speak and all the viewers would hear was "WOOmp WOOOOOMP womp WOMPPPP" hahaha. "Excuse me, can you speak more clearly?"

I knew in my heart that God had called me to Japan, and I went, but while I was there I wasn't 100% sure why I was there. I felt like I wasn't getting enough done. My typical tunnel-visioned self thinks, "Aghh! Let's get some more bulldozers in here, we need to get more done!!" and then I feel disappointed and useless. But hearing O-uchi san thank us for coming all the way to Japan and showing them intangible, emotional encouragement proves to me again that all along God does know best and He is working for good even when I can't see it right away.

Sometimes God shouts, sometimes He murmurs. Whatever the case, there are few things that can match the joy and relief that comes from understanding that God's perfect plan always prevails.