Listening

I think I'm getting a better sense of what it means to listen to God, to hear His voice. Lately all I do is make tons of individual decisions and overanalyze the possible outcomes. Choosing a new apartment, shopping for an entire new set of furniture, planning events like bridal showers or parts of weddings... It is easy to dwell on everything and get bogged down by "what if's" after the fact.

There is the fear that I'll make bad decisions - I am often terrified of my own inadequacy. But in doing so I am overestimating my own importance, and miss the fact that God is more than adequate. In my weakness, He is strong. And then I'm anxiously praying to God that He will part the clouds and in a thundering voice declare to me which apartment complex I should choose to live in, or at worst which TV model I should pick. (Hey, I want to be a good financial steward lol) Here I am, trying to pick the "right" answer off a list of multiple choice options. But it's all an exercise in learning to be content, and knowing that God is a powerful God who doesn't need me to pick a specific, particular choice for Him to work for my good.

In my grad school fellowship, there were two wonderful girls who always seemed to be speaking directly with God. This always cracks me up because they would announce to the group that God had given them a strong conviction and told them certain very specific things, and in my ridiculousness I would think in my head, "Ahhh!! I'm such a heathen, how come God is speaking so clearly to them but I can't hear His directions??" I felt like I was in one of those Peanuts cartoons where the adults would speak and all the viewers would hear was "WOOmp WOOOOOMP womp WOMPPPP" hahaha. "Excuse me, can you speak more clearly?"

I knew in my heart that God had called me to Japan, and I went, but while I was there I wasn't 100% sure why I was there. I felt like I wasn't getting enough done. My typical tunnel-visioned self thinks, "Aghh! Let's get some more bulldozers in here, we need to get more done!!" and then I feel disappointed and useless. But hearing O-uchi san thank us for coming all the way to Japan and showing them intangible, emotional encouragement proves to me again that all along God does know best and He is working for good even when I can't see it right away.

Sometimes God shouts, sometimes He murmurs. Whatever the case, there are few things that can match the joy and relief that comes from understanding that God's perfect plan always prevails.

Now what XD

And now I'm back at home on the East Coast a week after getting back to the U.S., solidly in the thick of helping with wedding planning and making arrangements for moving to my new apartment. It's so easy to get swept up in what is going on over here and become distanced from everything that happened Over There. But Here is not less important than There, and I'm learning to be at peace and trying my best wherever I am.

Thanks to the Internet, it's easier than ever to keep up to date with the other side of the world. Teams are coming and going. I'm still praying for CRASH regularly. I was so filled with joy to read the following update about Mr. O-uchi, whose farm our team helped clean:

"...[O-uchi-san] went into the green house and pulled weeds with us. He seemed at peace with the fact that he'll be able to farm again -I think at one point he believed he was never going to farm again. Before we left, we took pictures and [a team member] asked if he could shake O-uchi san's hand and then went in for a hug. O-uchi san was moved by this action and was teary-eyed. We firmly believe O-uchi san will come to acknowledge God's power."

I can only echo the sentiments of the wonderful girl who shared that update with me: "I'm so blessed that God allowed me to be a part of His will."

Followup

Coming back from the disaster area in Sendai was a little jarring. First of all, leaving base camp was an affair - we said goodbye to all our new friends, which was sad and also odd. We had just met them less than four days earlier, but we were so sad to part! We hugged, posed for photos, and exchanged contact info. On our last day, a new team (from Singapore) arrived just in time for praise & worship. Right afterwards we left, and it felt like we were tag teaming... At base camp the teams come and go, and I was filled with a sense of insignificance XD This whole experience has made me feel like an ant in God's kingdom, but an army of ants can carry a lot.

After getting back to Tokyo, I had four days left before I went back to the States. I felt a bit overwhelmed - wrapping up some documentation in the office regarding the trip to Sendai and saying goodbye to all the new friends in the house I stayed in. I only lived there for a week and a half, but a week and a half of late nights sharing and talking had created tight bonds. Some last minute bonding - we went to a baseball game (Seibu Lions), had yakiniku (Japanese bbq), and went karaoking with some coworkers. I felt so blessed - I never could have imagined that in venturing to Japan for these two weeks I would meet so many wonderful new friends who would make me feel so surrounded by family. I was sad to leave them but I feel like I will see them again.

Two major takeaways that I didn't "take away" until a week afterwards:

1) God is enough. I really struggled with how a loving God could "stand by" while people suffer and lose their entire life's possessions. Of course God mourns with us when we mourn, and loss is loss... but ultimately our God is more than enough for what we need. When our possessions are stripped away, we realize how fully God provides for our needs and perhaps we are less likely to idolize these material possessions. This is a chance to develop rock solid faith. I think about the photo of the Seaside Chapel's cross standing tall while everything around it has crumbled. (Day 7, bottom-most photo). It is emblematic of how amid the disaster and hurt, the hope found in Jesus Christ stands tall.

2) Let go and let God. (Shocker XD If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that expression... lol) Honestly, I spent a good amount of time at CRASH in self-doubt, wondering if I was helping things or harming things. One of my biggest struggles is feeling inadequate for being used by God. How could God use someone as flawed as me to do good things? However - this is a fallacy that threatens to keep me paralyzed and inactive. Do I really believe that God is not an almighty God who can work even through my mistakes? Is the sum of my individual decisions larger than the God of the universe? This is not to say that I should sprint forward without regard to my surroundings or those who surround me. However I realized that in worrying and stressing out about the consequences of my own actions I was failing to place my trust in God. God gave us free will so we could make our own choices. I will make my own choices and trust that He is ultimately the one who decides.