I am really confused and frustrated today, to be honest. I need wisdom and the ability to discern God's will. We all have different ideas of how to make God-honoring decisions, and I'm getting conflicting mandates from above. Is slow decision-making more Godly? But aren't we in a time of crisis and aren't there people who need help? What does God want me to do? What is my agenda and what is His? The day flip flops back and forth, will we go as our team up to a base camp to help with disaster cleanup or will we not? Someone on our team gets injured and can't come, but then out of nowhere two new members fall into our laps. Looks like we're go again. I actually just want some sort of closure, and I would be relieved if God closed the door. But I'm unwilling to not go because I chose to give up.
There are so many things I would love to help out with here in HQ, but the reality is that I am only here briefly, and I can't do half of them, or any of them maybe. I feel defeated and kind of useless, like a disappointment to God - but of course there is no such thing, because His grace is enough even when we fail. I've struggled with this so many times.
I am plagued by the idea that maybe instead of helping I am inadvertently causing trouble (everyone here is stressed, relatively new at their job, and no one has any idea really what tomorrow will bring), and I feel like curling up into a ball and not doing anything. Maybe I should just sit still and try not to mess up. But I know that this is precisely the thinking that is paralyzing and keeps us from doing the things that God wants us to do. As humans, we fall short, and thankfully we can place our hope in Jesus Christ and not ourselves.
We leave work with the matter still undecided, to find out tomorrow morning whether or not we will go, but I need time to prepare (I was told before the trip that I would be in HQ, so I didn't bring the appropriate gear.) I need to really trust in God. At the end of the day I am totally exhausted from making so many decisions all day about what to do and who/how to approach about each tiny step.
No comments:
Post a Comment